I tried the most "modern audience" game ever..

I did say I'd play the game. I did say I was about to, but then I forgot about it. So, 1348. Oh, let's take a look at it. We're going to try it out. Now, this is supposed to be the new big game for the modern audience. We played the demo. It lasted for like 10 minutes. So, this is the the game actually fully released. Ha. Oh, a fine display. Feetat worthy of Lancelot himself. Straight from one of your tales. Looks like Gollum with a Why do you insist we come here when all you do is mock? We are here to distract you from your sorrows. Y'all see what I'm saying? Besides, nightly practice balances your humors. I mock play mine. I practice, but I am no knight. Cuz you're a woman. No, you're more than that. Yet I still hear my father's voice instructing me from the shadow of that tree, pointing out my grip, my posture. I hear him closely, even though he's with my mother. The town mourns for the loss of their lord. And I mourn for your loss. Damn. Your heart. It doesn't help to dwell. You'll need to be strong for the day ahead. Strong? Yeah. You got to level up. Can I be baldy? Death is grasp. Why? She got the Edgar haircut. How can I? Why' they give her that? Fight death. Looks like she about to rob a 7-Eleven. That we do what we must and that I have a duty as my birthday. Yeah, it's a girl. I can tell cuz they tell you it's a girl. To raise my sword and to keep fighting. Uh-huh. You have to be a fighter. To not tell my mother. You can't tell your mom because you're such you want to be a powerful knight by yourself. My noble. It's Jon of Arc. Yeah. Uhoh. Arthur, will you face your end at the hand of your son? The truidor does not speak the lines like that. Bianca, I am not Bianca. I am Morrid. and you are Arthur. What is this [ __ ] game? It's super good. You will ruin your vestments. It's super good. I said, what do you mean? That's why so many people are playing it. Fight me. Look at her face. As thou ask. Look at her face. Okay. All right. Here we go. You'll end up in the mud. Born in. Okay. All right. So, that's the combat. Your strikes are reversed. Hold. What did your father say? If your blows are hurried, change your stance. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, I'm two-handing. Perfect. Ha. Okay, that's pretty easy. Turn it down a little bit. Oops. All right. All right. Let me go. I turn it down a little bit. So, I I got to I got to block. Oh, I blocked again. That was me. I'm blocking. ABC. Always be blocking. That's three out of It says three out of five. Okay. Four out of five. Okay. Enough practice. Okay. Guard break. All right. I got to hit this [ __ ] Oh, Bianca. I'm so sorry to hurt you. I have fallen. Become the princess of this tale. Uhoh. Oh, my noble knight, Erin. Wow. Would thou aid this fair damsel to rise? Oh, I have to click. Click to help the fair damsel. That's not fair. The world is not fair. Uh-oh. You'd best remember this lesson when I'm gone. Biana, life in a convent, it it's not the end. Your mother wishes you My mother who has no dowy or prospect has no other choice than to send me away. Get this [ __ ] out of here. But better these get out of here than marry me to someone like my father. Mhm. I'm glad the pestilence took it. Hey, don't say such things. You speak as if you go to thy grave and not a nunnery. It will be safe there, far from all this death. That's a black plague. Remember that. Life is hard for peasants. That was a bad one. For women, nonetheless, beer. Ah, but look at me. My path is not that of a for women. It's all postulant, muddied as I am. Theater kid crap. It's okay. I'm sure it'll get better. Wait here while I clean and tend to this scratch. How's now? as thou ask. Wow. What was this Elden Ring dialogue? Such a sunny afternoon. May it ever remind us of these children's games we played together. Women have it bad is worse than the plague. Yeah. So true. Oh, the alarm bell. And so it begins. Oh no. What's happening? Somebody called in an air strike. Make it back. Look at her face. The town. All right, let's do it. Now I fight. I have to I have to run. I have to spend a lot of time running. What do I do here? I jump. I see. That makes sense. The mouse moves too fast. Give me a second. Uh game play. Where's the mouse controls? Okay. Wait. I can't even change how fast the mouse moves. Okay. I'm just going to [ __ ] turn this down then, I guess. All right. That's a little bit better. Okay. And then I press space. Oh, I got it. I got it. That was me. That was me. I'm John Edgar, and it's my opportunity to save the land from uh the uh Saxons. I have to destroy them. I defeat them right now. stand a chance. The Viking warlords, these unwashed masses that have not surrendered their soul to the good the good Jesus Christ. We will destroy every single one of them. The pestilence, there is not enough of us. This is the final crusade. Joan of Arc. No, I'm Edgar of Arc. This is different. John Wick. Yes. Why fight the plague called feminism? That's the real plague. Oh, okay. All right, let's go. Where's that red smoke? Nobody knows. There is still time. I cannot be too late. Beer. Okay, I'm coming. I got to go fast. What are you talking about? I don't know. I've got to go save this girl. Oh, what's that? Oh, it's a pile of [ __ ] Okay, I guess I'm Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Stop. Don't. Murderer. You'll pay for that. I'll hack it up. Oh, got him. Got him. Got him. He's dead. He's dead. I killed him. He's dead. I killed him. I killed him real good. Okay, maybe I'll go this way. What a loser. The others must What a pathetic loser. I'm going to loot these. I'm going to heal Q. That way I get my heart back. What do you want? I'll have that fight. Come then. If you want this, take it. What's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong? Oh, you're dead. You're dead. There it is. Can I get any more loot? I think I got hit again, right? Yeah. I got to I I got to loot that. Let me eat again. I got to make sure I stay strapped. Ooh, that guy's dead. That's really bad. Okay, let's go over here. I've done this part already. True to the church. So, I I'm kind of like I'm I'm pregaming here. Come on. Why aren't you dodge rolling? Uh because I don't know if I could inside of that inside of that moment. So, there it is. Watch this. Watch this. This is the platforming section. Watch me platform. Oh, there it is. There it is. See that? That's a lifetime of playing Metroid Vania games right there. Oh, I fell down a little bit. The bell. It's falling silent. Uh-oh. Nobody's ringing the bell anymore. Let it be too late. What? Oh, damn. What? What have you done? Uhoh. We killed all the watch. Get rid of what you do. Kill him. Dead. All right, that was easy. Even though I got hit. What? I lost all my health. They killed. Can I heal everyone? Can I heal? I can't heal. Bianca is not among the dead. Oh my god. I might die. Where is she? I might die, gentlemen. Oh, it's the monastery. It's been looted. How could they do this? Sanctuary. They Oh, no. Okay, I've got 15 paper. Wait, paper's a It's an inventory stat. I didn't know that. Now I do. Just keep searching. Let me see if I can loot any more of this food. I got to heal again. Damn. I'm get I got my ass beat there. Okay. There anything else here? No. All right, let's keep moving. Every every action to move through something is just space bar. I just hit space bar for everything. The castle be any survivors. She's up there will be in there. You're for what you did, K. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, you're dead. Okay. That's right. Uh, let me go this way. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to go this way or not. I can only take one more hit. I'm kind of nervous, honestly. Maybe if I can go try and loot something. We already lost so many. I I maybe I should I should overlevel this game. How do you level up in this game? I wonder. What's this? This was the first. Ooh, I got 10 more paper. That's huge. His wife and child. Was she talking Is she talking about something? Oh. Oh, I see. See, I have to go up to here. I see. Wow. I have to space bar down. Okay, good. She keeps yapping. That's what they do, you know. Oh, I can't go that way. I didn't even notice that. It was in the dark. Okay, I guess we'll we'll go this way. And well, it obviously wasn't this, right? So, how the hell where the hell was I supposed to go? I don't tell me I got lost. How the hell did I get lost? God damn it. Oh, maybe I have to press space to to to jump over it. Oh, I'm so stupid. Of course. Open up. All right, open up. I say open up. I'll not let you harm another soul. Thank you for waiting your turn. Oh, got him. Got him. Got him. Got him. There it is. Two of them dead. Two dead ass [ __ ] Okay, let me see. Can I loot any more food here? I'm at one HP right now. This is bad. Okay, let's click it. Anyone inside? Is Biana with you? Oh, thank the Lord. We heard the bells. No. Bianca's not with us. Oh, no. Keep safe. Keep the doorbard. Damn. Okay, I've got to go save her. Okay. Do I go up here? Yes, I do. Let's do it. Basic combat system. No, I'm going to show you true combat. I cannot lose you too. Oh no. I'm probably going to die here cuz I'm out of food. The gate. Oh, okay. I can food here. I can food. This Okay, this is a big food situation. Maybe my pack is full. Wait, what? I can't I can't loot that. Is full. I cannot carry more provisions. Oh, okay. Okay, I got more. Oh, I'm full healed again. Oh, wow. That was a lot of sausage. What's this then? All right. Nice. Ghost blood is on you. Let's go. You want to [ __ ] with me? My sword. You want to [ __ ] with me for me? That's right. Oh, what's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong? You want one? What? What? thinks he's a nice Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Where's the music? I AIN'T GIVE A [ __ ] ABOUT THE MUSIC. That's right. Where are they? Oh, you're next. You want some of this? God. Oh. Oh. WHAT'S GOING ON? YOU WANT TO DIE? THAT'S RIGHT, [ __ ] That's the champion at work. What's that? Bianca, where have they taken you? Uh-huh. Where was Where'd she go? Hear my vow. Father. Yes. You have taught me honor and respect. Watch upon me now. Let my sword strike true. Mother, you have given me the courage to be myself. Guide my steps on this lawn journey. Sure. Those that I have failed today, may I one day be worthy of your forgiveness. Damn. Damn, bro. Like Bianca, you are all that is left to me. Oh my god, I shall save you. I vow. Okay, now now we're in the new part of the game. Complete chapter one, the proludo. Okay, now we're in the real game. Be the uh if you could give me some sign. I'm watching a tree. Searched for two, but I have lost them. Now I too am lost. A keep. Oh wow. At last the lord of these lands would surely aid me. He may know of the briganti if they came this way. I have to go over and help the the lord. Let me run over there. It'll take me approximately 47 minutes. Let's go, Edgar. Um, mother would love. Love this. Oh, there's a tree. Oh, and two more grass. Camera shakes too much. I can't fix that, I'm pretty sure. Can I go in the water? What? What happens if I go in the water? Not too cold. No, she doesn't go in the water on my weary feet. Everyone knows a true knight of the round table never takes showers. Damn. I'm actually going to have to run all the way over there. Huh? What the hell is this? Wait, what? I've got to go onto this rock. More climbing. And then I have to go over to that rock. And then I've got to jump to this rock. And now I'm on this rock. And now I got over to go over this rock. And now we're over the rocks. An old dwelling. Mason's hut. There's a dwelling. This fire is recent. A day or too old. Oh, I collected a p a paper. So must be anchor. Plus five paper. You know what that means, right, guys? Me either. Oh, two more grass. We need all the grass that we can get. That way we can have all the grass. We steal because we're knights. A true round of the night table would absolutely steal something from a random uh villager and then kill them. Oh. Oh, look at this. A cart. Oh, there's a cart. Oh, you hear the sound change? That's scary. The cart destroyed. The ox taken. Where's the ox? This happened recently since the last reigns. by the briganti. At least three or four did. Can I go over there? Maybe a handful more. Oh, that's an invisible wall. I can't. She doesn't like to go into the water. There is no water in this game that she can go into. She's not okay with that. Okay, let's space bar. I bet there's going to be two guys over here. Okay, there wasn't. This belongs to one of the banti. I have found them. Oh, I have found Whoa. All who call me pay the toll. Kill. Kill. Kill. Yes. That's right, little villager. That's right. You pathetic villager. It's time for you to die. Okay. Like, I'm the main character. You're just a loser. I'll kill all the villagers in this entire area to save my my girlfriend. For no reason particularly, but just because I want to. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Who's this? Who are you? And I have much. It's your boy. Oh. Oh. Oh. What's wrong? Oh, there it is. You're dead. Oh, what's in the box? Wait, you can't even open the treasure chest. What the [ __ ] You can't even open the treasure. Oh my god. Cool. Wait, I actually ran all the way over That tower looks abandoned. I bet it's not. I shall have a better view of what awaits me from the top. Oh, so I can know know where I'm going to run to. I had to food up again. Okay, before I do that, actually, let me just go in the tower. What does the tower say? I need to find another way up. Another way up. Okay, let me guess. Another way up. That means I probably should go over here. Oh, and maybe this pathway will lead me over. Oh, it's a special cave. There's probably a yeti in this cave. Where's the yeti? There's no yeti. Okay. Um, well, that's okay. And then look at this. No, no, no, no. It's fine. It's fine. We've made it to the other side. I I was able to use my powers of deduction to figure out how to get up on top of the tower. Finally, a game with puzzles I can solve. Ooh, platforming. Ooh, platforming. What's this? This pommel would be difficult to hold two-handed, but it is superb for balance. I'm dead. Wait. Did I Wait, did I get the item then? Trinkets. Wait, I don't even know what I got. Oh no. I think looks abandoned. I Oh, I have to go back and do it again. I didn't even know that. You got nothing. I have to run up there and do it again. That's so annoying. I actually died. I did. No death on screen. You can't have women die on screen. Only men can die on screen. Women can't die because they're angels. This must have been a god tower. It's true. I don't know why you guys are laughing. That was me. Look at that. That guy was able to do that correctly. let me see. So, can I upgrade the sword then? Bur attacked window. Okay, that seems just better, right? that means I can do like more more attacks. What's in the cave? I'm just going to walk. What is this game? Walking. There must be more Briganti nearby. Jesus Christ. You're going to be doing no attacks. I must be vigilant. No. No. I'm going to use all my attacks. What do you mean? Okay. So, now I have I now I've got Oh, bro. Like, I'm balling now. Wait, what? Solano with grapes is heavenly. Solano? Who the hell is Solano? Oh, I see. I didn't even notice that part. Okay, let's go up here. I'm fully healed up, too. How should you get past the other? The same way I saw this to you. You stupid villager. You stupid villager. It's time for you to die. You pathetic loser. Swords to plow shares. Where is she? Uhoh. Bianca the postulant. All right, bald. No folks here. They all the first signs of best lie. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. He's got two health bars and now he's dead. That was crazy. Wait. So that's it. It's over. It looks like that was that was the whole Wait a minute. Okay, we have to keep going since the music's playing. go that way. Circle him. I swear you'll pay you. Oh, it's time to die, Mr. Villager. All right, I got him. I got him. I'm double healed. Anybody else? I didn't think so. I kill every villager in here for no reason in particular. I need to heal. Where are Oh, wow. Wow. Two guys again. Okay, we got to stay We got to stay focused here. Okay. All right. Three guys. Oh my god. Oh no, I'm dead. Where are they? Your prison. Okay, let's go again. I took no prisoners. H. Get out of here, [ __ ] Perry. Big Perry right there. I don't think so. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. You're dead. No death screen. They can't beat me. I'm just a champion. Still no sign. Oh, that smells good. Wow. It's closer than I thought. Oh, look at that. Look at that. What do you mean it's closer than I thought? I've been playing this for like a minute. What do you mean? Let's go inside here. What's inside the monastery? This church is it must have served the keep. Ooh, what's inside of here? Who built it? Is there anybody I need to kill inside of the church? Let me loot this S. Leon's token. I can't kill I can't kill the the wall. Damn, bro. Jesus already was going bald whenever he was a little kid. Look at that, bro. Oh, he already had a Widow's peak going on at like 3 years old. that kind of sucks, man. Yeah, really. Look at that. He was crashing out at 3 years old recently, too. I wonder if the priest fled the pestilence. We can go up here. What's up here? Taken years to carve out this cave. I can't go through the gate. Oh. Oh, this might be more loot. I'm sure getting a lot of paper. Do you guys know what paper's for? Oh, I got to move this through here. Oh my god. It's a secret passage. What's behind the secret passage? What is it? Has tro here in an age. Um has weight. It would be a good counterbalance to a blade. Oh, I got I got a new a new thing for my sword. What can I use now? Improves improves impovery dime before dodge. That seems pretty good. that's incredible. And that's everything, right? Oh [ __ ] This is a treasure. Yeah, it sure is. Let's steal everything out of the monastery. Let's steal everything out of the monastery and and and disgrace the Lord, obviously. Let me see. I I think this could be an invisible wall. Nope. It was just a bad texture. I should have expected that. Let's go down Now we will return to going to the castle and we have to save the girl. Boring. No. No guys. This isn't boring. Who's bored? No, you shouldn't be bored. Okay, let's go. Now we go to the castle. Slowly. As slow as you possibly can go. Where are the guards? Oh my god. I bet there's going to be two NPCs I have to kill as soon as I get into this courtyard. That is a bad sign. No. Can I open door? No, I just have to go inside of here. I see someone is danger to return. Mio senor not one of my vassels I see but a knight's errand. Oh declare yourself. My name is Ayota Mio Senor iota. I It's a stupid name. These are dark times. And I am in want of a retainer. I shall put you to work tomorrow manning my castle walls. You honor me, Mios. I have sworn an oath. I am on a quest and in need of aid. As the steward of this land, could you tell me of the Briganti hereabouts? You hunt these vermin. You have the demeanor of a milk soap babe. You have come all the way from Chetra. If my ears are better than my eyes. That is true. I have tracked them for 30 days and nights. Oh, it's been 30 days. That's a long time. They raised my town. Kidnapped a postulant. My friend Bianca. I see. It is love then that binds you to this oath. We have common cause. You seek vengeance. On the briganti who took your postulance. I want I seek to rescue her and bring those responsible to justice. I see little difference. For your sake, though, I hope she still lives. Villains have no honor when it comes to women. Given you've tracked your quarry to my lands, I presume my own woes and yours. How long is this going to go? Like, is this going to I I'm I need to walk to the next chap of these outlaws. I'm I'm behind schedule. And you shall defeat their leader and end the threat they p I will defeat the leader of the bandits right now. Bianca or other innocents. Then it is my sword. I will destroy them. Then we have right now. The ninth circle of hell is reserved for traitors. Our common foe were once my own vassels. I protected them as is my duty as my father did and his father before him. only for them to break this trust, to abandon this place, stealing all that they could carry. Pestilence, pestilence, they cried. It's what a feeble excuse for betrayal. This could have just been an email. Swear an oath to me and I shall tell you where these treacherous curves lay. May they freeze in Kito for their infidelity. Wait, that was the end of the chapter? Oh, I just beat it. Oh, okay. Okay, now we're up to the next level. I have rested enough. Set the camp without tower farther. So, if all goes well, I should reach it long before sunset. Oh, I have to go to a tower now. Okay, let's go. Where's the tower? My vow today. I will find the briganti. Oh, I've seen this before. Okay, so now I have to go under a tree. Okay, good. I'll have to follow the stream through the woods. I'm going to have to follow this stream through the woods. That means I have to go through the stream through the woods. I'm going to go up here and not follow the directions. Neglected. Yeah, it looks serviceable. Oh, wow. Well, it looks pretty obvious that I have to go up here, right? The trail leads away from the stream. I'm going to do it anyway. Keep my bearings in these woods. The woods are dangerous. There could be demons in there. Oh, wow. Look at this. These ruins are old. They're old. Abandoned long before the trail was This place was large. Look at this perhaps. Yet it feels Let me look around. I wonder if there's something important here. Is there anything important here? There are too many. Oh, what's this? What's this? Oh, this is going to be a hard one. Okay, let's go. Okay, I did it. Okay, let's go. All right, I did it again. All right, and we'll do that again. There it is. There it is. Ooh, platforming god. Okay, San Francisco. That's the That's the city where all the gay people are. Our priest would tell me this tale. What the hell I loot that for? X VTO necklace. X VTO. Oh, that's the name of the game. Okay, let's go up here. Does this make me gay? I think I am. I think that's how it works at least. I'm not sure. Okay, so I did all that. Wow. We're going to go underneath. What? I can't. Okay, I have to Oh, I have to press space. It says I have to press space bar to do this. we know that you're gay. Am I? Okay, I guess I'm gay now. Oh, okay. This is it. This place feels different somehow. It feels different. No, it doesn't. It feels the same. Oh my god, look at this. This is a tree like Elden Ring. The lord of this forest. The lord of the forest. Am I going to fight a fairy? Where is he? Where's the fairy warlord? Wait, what? Oh, I have to go up to the top. An altar to the old gods. I got a lucky horn. Equip trinkets to change her abilities. Trinkets. What does this do? Chance of doubling food. Okay, well that's good. I'm going to loot that. automatically use all food to prevent death. Okay. Well, I don't even want that. I want to die. Such a blessing won't hurt. I want to I want to get the I want to get defeated. I deserve it. Okay. Is there a map? I There's no map in the game either. You're so immersed. You're yapping like the main character. Yes. Okay. I think this is the path forward. I can't go that way. So, we have to go Running water. I must be close to the stream. Running water. Oh my god. I am close to the stream. You guys just saw it. That Venetian spicy. Oh, let me guess. It's two guys I have to kill. Keep telling you. Holy [ __ ] Let's go. Let's go. What's going on? What's going on? What's wrong? You want to die? I might die here. I won't die here. Oh, you're dead. Oh, you're super dead. Main cat must be Get out of here, loser. You can't defeat me. I'm only one health left. Means I'm probably going to die soon. These steps have collapsed. Oh no. I might have to jump up there, right? Must be the only way onwards. Oh no, I can't. Okay. Okay, let me think. Maybe I will destroy this. I will destroy it. Okay, let me try to go over here. I'm going to climb up this and then I'm going to press E on the piece of wood. Okay, I can't do that. Oh. Oh, here we go. Here we go. I have to click. It wants me to click. I'm clicking. Clicking. Clicking. Okay, now what? So, is that supposed to do something? Oh, a piece of Oh, oh, we have to go up onto this. And then I have to go up onto There we go. There we go. Good job, stupid. You dumb [ __ ] I hope these are the right kind. Hopefully they're not. Let's go to this house. Um, hello. Wait, I can't even interact with the door. It's just like an asset that's sitting there. That's it. What the hell? Can I get on there? No. Oh, let me go over here. There might be something in this one. Now I can heal. I have two lives now. Two hearts. What's this? A box and a paper. Oh, wow. It's a mystery what to do there. The current has it now. Um, was I supposed to do this? wait. Oh, I know what I have to do. I have to put the box up to this so I can get in the house. And it's going to stop like right here. Watch. Watch. This is me. I knew it. That's what happens when you've played video games as long as I have. I understand how these things work. Let's get this barrel over here. I've played this before. Okay. Okay. So, I'm going to go over to here, and then I'm going to get up into here, and I'm going to loot everything. Imperial Guard. Imperial Guard. What is the Imperial Guard? Improves guard regeneration. Ooh, that's really good. But would make a sword lighter. Okay. Can I open the door? So, I can't use doors. Doors are not available in this game. Okay. Let's keep walking around randomly. Food on the table. Too bad. It's time for me to die. That's okay. There's no more food anymore. We're tired with food. As the Lord described. Oh my god. There's another tower in the distance and I have to run over to it. Holy [ __ ] I hope there's not three enemies that are placed one after another for me to fight on the way over there. That would really mess up my plans. Luckily, I'm sure there's no way the developer decided to do that. Oh, I have to jump. Good job, Edgar. Good job. Wow. Wow. Oh, this is definitely where a guy is going to be. I must be on my guard. Oh, you've got to be on your guard. Okay, now we have three hearts. Oh my god, look at that. What is this? O you turn back stranger. You have no business here. I have just cause with you and your fellows. Oh. Oh. Oh. That's what I thought. That's what I thought, bro. Like, you thought you were going to get me? You weren't. The cat must be at top this ridge. Oh [ __ ] Tower. Oh, we have to go up on top of this. This is me. And can I go over this area? No, I can't. So, I have to use this particularly placed box to put it over next to this, right? I knew it. E E [ __ ] Okay. Um, jump up box. Jump up box two. Time to push more boxes. Steps have been broken to prevent others climbing. Y'all see what I have to do, right? Stiff, but it still works. Y'all see what I have to do? I have to take the winch down and then I have to put the rock on the winch and then I have to use the rock to go up the winch again. That's what I have to do. This is a serious puzzle. Probably only 3% of players that have done this would have automatically figured it out. But luckily, I'm in that top high percentage of high IQ individuals, which is the reason why I'm playing this game. Wait, how did it how Wait, what? How did it go through the Oh, I see. Watch. Okay, so you see that? And then I'm going to use this. Wait a minute. Wait, it just went through it. I mean, it's going to come through there, right? I mean, like I I I'm assuming. All right, let's go here. You can't climb the stairs like a ladder. No, bro. Like, that's that's impossible. Okay, watch. The box is going to be on this. Raising it is harder. See, that's what it means to be a knight. Okay. Um, well, let's go ahead and move this over here. And then I'm going to move to right there. And I'm going to jump. Oh, I can't. Okay. We're going to move it a little bit more over here. Wait, why? So, I have to recalibrate this thing. There's two boxes. No, there's not. No, this is this is the only box. This is the one box to rule them all. The steps have been broken. It's okay, guys. To prevent others climbing. Okay, let's go get that box right now. This winch is stiff, but it still works. So, logically, I should be able to put this all the way down and then I can like capture the box like a fish, like a net. Okay, box, come on back up with me. Come with me. You better be on here. Where's the box? Oh no, we didn't figure it out. Okay. Okay, we've got to go now. We've got to go back down. Oh, wow. Almost fell down and hurt myself. But I thought the box was right I'm going to move it in this direction. That way it's directly angled this way. Okay. So, it's on it's on the platform. You can see that it's on the platform. We can all see that it's on the platform. You know it's on the platform. I know it's on the platform. Everybody knows it's on the platform. Now, let's go. Stupid. Okay. Good. She does the audio. That means that I have the right box. This is a big box situation. Okay, now I will push it forward. Oh my god, I really am that guy. Okay, so get up on that and then just go up on here. Good job. Okay. And that is a long Oh, please don't break. Please don't break. All right, that was kind of That was okay. That was kind of cool. It is a mercy. I'm not wearing plates. this will keep the wolf at bay. space. it's time. You made noise enough to wake all the demons. Hellboy you face your illdeeds. That was it. If the alarm has been raised, I must push on. Let's do this. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Got him. Got him. He's dead. Next. Not so far. Let's have some I'm a killer. I'm a killer. I'm a kill. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, you're dead. All three of them defeated with no injuries whatsoever. This looks like an Unreal demo. No, this is a video game. You can tell it's a video game because it uh it costs money. Oh my. Wait, wait a minute. Oh my god, there's two more guys. You feel this time? I know what has to be done. Okay. All right. Let's go. Oh, that's a big boy. Oh, he's dead. Oh my god. I died. Oh no. You made noise enough to wake all the demons hell boy. We heard you. Hold shall face justice for your illness. I got to figure out like how I'm actually fighting these guys cuz I feel like I feel like I'm going to die again. I'm going to die again. Bro, the alarm has been raised. This is bad. You suck. Yeah. No, I swear he was only here, my soul. Damn, I'm dead again. Don't you have a different stance you can use? Maybe I have to use the two-handed All the demons of hell, boy. We heard you. Oh, come on, Rouse. Let's go. Face justice for your illde. Oh. Oh, I got three health. If the alarm has been block and parry. Well, I think maybe I just hit him two times and I step away. Maybe that's what I do. I hit two times, I step away. No, I swear it's only another one. That's how I handle them. They're not programmed for that. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. What's wrong? Oh god, dude. Got him. Got him. Got him. Got him. Got him. Got him. Okay. All right. Now I have to I have to be even better. Yeah. I cannot turn back. Okay. I've got to I've got to This is a This is a heal. I got to loot these. Okay. Now I stay focused. Space. Wait. Am I stuck? Go through this. Go through. Go through space. Must welay him. Give the others time. I know what has to be done. I'll kill this dog. He may die. I have to stay focused. This is serious. That's how a champion plays the game. Okay. It is so quiet. Now what? Have all the others. I got to loot all these. No, they must be here. Bianca must be here. Oh, I got to heal. And that that's all that's all there is. Wait, is that that is that that's not the end of it? Oh, so you're the young knight who's brought chaos to this king. First big boss. First big boss, boys. Let's go. Moment to talk. Do you grant it? Speak then. But know that the words of a murderer and a thief hold little weight with me. You're quick and free with that blade. camp harbors all kinds. We're not criminals. You murder. You kidnap. I take no pleasure in bloodshed. Yet your actions demand it. I swore an oath of justice. She's mad. An oath to who exactly? To God? Our Lady Mary? No. That was not your meaning. Not to that craven who calls himself the lord of these lands. Oh, he must have rejoiced to find someone so earnest. We toiled for him. We filled his silos with grain, his coffers with coin. And for what? So the bad guys are the good guys. When the pestilence came, he turned his back on us all. Holy [ __ ] Locked his gate and told us to face our judgment. He left us with nothing. Okay. So, do we kill him now? We did or we must. Turning on others. Raiding, plundering. What do you know about the cost of surviving? Do you have any idea how hard it is to feed a family? Little Lord, do you believe I enjoyed the things I've done? And yet you did them still. Wait. All right, let's go. Nothing to see unknown. Oh, no. Oh, no. I might die. I walk. Okay. All right. Let's stay focused. Oh, he's fast. you got to learn to parry. I don't know. Is there a parry mechanic? Like, what does it say? controls. It doesn't say parry. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Oh, I died again. This is bad. Okay. Okay. Okay. Something. beyond the path. I think it might be over. This is serious. How'd he turn like that? I thought I was going to heal. How do I heal? Oh, there it is. Bye. Parry. Who's that? I don't think you can. It doesn't tell you you can parry. It says game play controls. There's nothing I can do to Here are you to decide fate. Jesus Christ, I'm getting my ass beat. I walk away. [ __ ] [ __ ] Oh my god. Heavy attack. It doesn't make a difference. It doesn't do anything. Like that's heavy attack. It's basically the same. I I'll get it eventually. Jesus Christ, this is annoying. Okay. [ __ ] guys. Guys, I might not be able to beat this. It might be too much. I Jesus Christ. Just uninstall the game. I might have to. Oh, I'm taking big damage. We did what we asked to survive. I don't know how the [ __ ] that hit me. Jesus Christ, dude. I can't beat it. I actually can't beat this. This shit's annoying. Holy [ __ ] I actually don't know how. Jesus Christ, I hate this guy. Yeah, what the [ __ ] man? Why don't you use dodge in the other stance? Wait, what other stance? How do I change my stances? I can change a stance. Alt, one-handed stance. Do No, that's not how it works. There is not enough. Ah, I swore and close. Two of swords. I figured out what to do. I'm found wanting then. Strike. Make it clean. Got him. I have fulfilled my oath. Defeat their leader and end the threat they pose. Do you and your men still pose a threat? Can I trust? Kill him. He's a white male. He has to die. Of a young postulant. She was kidnapped from my town by your men. Not my men. They were once the Lord's guards. She won't. She will. They stayed in our camp for a time before heading south. Must have been they raided your town. Two weeks passed. They were seen again heading north as spoils. I did not see a postulant with them. But if they took prisoners, and your charge is with them, I know not where they headed. Kill, kill, kill him. Kill him right now. Innocents depend on you. So I will spare your life. BUT HEED MY WORDS. OH WOW. YOU AND your men have a choice to make. Are you kidding me? Should I learn that you have turned once again to banditry, I will come and claim your head. Oh, this is a DLC. Oh, wow. Let me guess. Chapter 3 is complete. New skill tree unlock. Fortunio. You know what that means, right? Me either. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Oh my god. There's got to be another pathway I have to run through. Flatty. in his name. I shall smite thee. Hold. You mistake me for a foe. Stop this madness. I'm not your foe. The knight. The Banti. I saw the attack. I defeated him to aid you. The Lord bless you. It is an honor to meet you. Dona. Don. Donald. Donald. That's his name. Donald Salvator. I was overcome with righteous fury having seen my brothers hacked down like wheat. who are you? Who is he? Nasuno. A servant of God. I bring his merciful word to those who sin. Your skills with a blade would be most welcome in our task. Come. We shall pray and recover together. There is a villain nearby. A generous offer, but I swore a vow and must continue on. She's a knight. She cannot be delayed. What is the nature of this vow? Our order of flagante would assist a fellow brother if you would join us. I search for a young woman who was kidnapped by the Burgganti and taken north. Bianca is her name. Why you are doubly blessed. Woman of that name came to join our order mere days ago. How convenient. Will you not reconsider my invitation? You must be speaking of another Bianca. The one I know is headstrong and would not willingly join any holy order. All women are stubborn and in need of much guidance. The sin of Eve is all her daughters weak. A based. So true. You will see. Follow me. But there are many women not so easily tempted. I like him. I like him. I know is one of them. Yeah. True. No, I must decline. You cannot turn from him. Turn from me. I speak his word and know his will. Release me. I stay my sword for a holy man, but you test my patience. Partly, the end of days are here. Good night. Demons roam the hills in the skins of men. The Pope has betrayed Rome, and I am your only hope of salvation now. I can save myself. Then go with God, my child. When we meet again, may you see the error of your ways and repent as will that postulant and all other such pretenders. That's my favorite cat. Yeah, that should be the main character. I like him. He's great. I wish I was walking through an Unreal 5 uh tech demo with him. Yeah, that would have been way better. Oh, what did he drop? What did he leave behind? A leaf. No, it it cannot be. It cannot be. What? Cannot be So, what do I do now? Her vestment is similar to this cloth. It cannot be truly. What's over here? Was a postulate. Yeah, I did not tell him so. What did he say? To come rest by villa. A statue from ancient Roma. Oh, we can go up here. You saw before you lost your head. What's here? Oo, big money. San Clemente. Okay, let's go. I shall add this to the others. Now I know how to defeat these enemies. I know the master technique and now every other fight will be easy. Oh, we need to do we need to bring this back. We got to have some more of these fall in this place. This is back in the good times to do to do something. See that? These poor wretches. You ate on your taxes. Crucified. She must steal something from CVS. Crucified. I must hurry. Epsteinless crucified. That's just the way it is. Yep. Speeding, believe it or not. Crucified. Where we going? I think I got to go this way. I don't know what the [ __ ] I'm doing. Oh, what's this? This was a tomb. No way. The mausoleum for the We got to go. We have to climb up again more. What you doing over there, boy? I can't I I can't. I'll get in trouble. I can't. I would love to, but I can't. Huh? What have you done? We act as our Lord wills. Ungodly. Purgation shall be your salvation also. That's right, Grand Wizard. that's all right. Sometimes you get hit the same trappings as these time to die. They're from the same order of Okay, never mind. Same order of flagante. Never mind. Put it Put it down. Put it down. Put it down. They mortify their own bodies, but to torture others. These flagagillants are heretics. Oh, I think I like him. I already like him. Okay, so Oh, I got to go up this way. So, all right, we'll go up here. Where's the rest of the grand dragons? That must be the villa. Ooh, that's a nice place. Muno. That's a really nice place. No, Biana would never join. may have harmed her. Oh my god, there he is. Where are my brothers, boy? Oh, God. Hey, [ __ ] What was that? Where the hell am I? stole us grapes from the kitchens. Oh. Oh. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I was very confused. We act as our lord wills. It is ungodly. Percation shall salvation also. I have suffered enough. Shall save your soul. I feel your All right. All right. He's dead. He was the same trappings of these zealots. They are from the same order of I got to stay f I take his hood. Doesn't let me. I was trying to get new armor set, but uh they don't want me to upgrade. Is this a turnbased game? I don't know. I don't think so. Oh, I fell down. That makes sense. That must be the villa the fra. Okay, let me see if I beat it this time. Nuno spoke of Okay, let's do this. God, the devil, [ __ ] You little [ __ ] You little dick sucker. That's right. That's what you get for being the medieval KKK. You're going to die. Can't let that happen. All right. What we go loot loot some of that I can carry. Great. He say that Bianca came to Can I open door? He was playing. No. said what I wanted to hear to get me to follow. Even his name, Nissuno. No one is a deceit. Nissuno. No one. Oh, try a neodyious strat. Now what? Let's go inside the Let's go inside the outhouse. Flagante would not dare harm a pestilence as she would keep her wits. Prove her devotion. My pack can't hold me. There it is. No. Uh-oh. I have to keep walking. It's time to walk some more. You guys like walking? I hope so. We have to walk through here. Have they spoiled this? Where did this errand? Corruption shall be scourged. die, [ __ ] Oh, oh, oh. Oh, that's right. I'm the powerful protector, the knight of the seven realms. I will destroy every medieval KKK member in the entire game. They're little pointy hats. I cannot carry more provisions. Let me eat that. We've got to keep running. Woke ass game. Quicker decimation. Damn. Damn. He died real quick. The folk who lived here. Why did they make him look like the KKK? Seems a little weird. Oh, I wonder if I'm supposed to I knew it. I was supposed to jump over that. I have no more room for provision. I got to heal. This will come in useful. Oh my god. I'm going to walk up to this. I'm going to see a vista. It's going to be like, "Wow, look how beautiful this area is. Oh my god. Look at more flag." Damn. Three. Three grand wizards. Another little cook monster. Let's go. Watch yourselves. Let's go. Y'all want to Y'all want to [ __ ] around? I'm the real Grand Wizard. Actually, no, I'm not. I'm just kidding. I'm I was joking around. I'm not actually grandiz. No, that that would come out. I'm not. I'm not. I'm actually not. Damn, [ __ ] they kill me again. All right, let's go. All right, it's Wait, somebody said the good ending. Wait, what? Watch yourselves, brothers. Sing a song. First, you'll have to catch me. The end of days. I don't know how now I'm winning. Wait, can I just do that? No. Please just die. There we go. Okay, he's dead. Good. Now what? Now what? Now what? Oh my god, everybody's dead. They threw people onto the rocks. [ __ ] them. [ __ ] them. This madness infected the city, too. They deserve it. Wait, what do I do now? Oh my god, I have to go this way. You can already tell. This path should lead to So, how's the game so far? Let me I've got to beat it first. I have to beat the entire game. I have to beat the entire game. It'll be easy. I'll just do it. Okay. So, I have to go into here. Oh, wait. Wait. There's paper in here. I still don't know what paper does. Nobody knows. Nobody cares. It's dark and scary. I mistook that deceitful lord's charges as the banti. Yet this time. I am not mistaken with these so-called brothers. If I can do right, then I must. Do I have to jump down here? Oh, I guess I do. I fell down. Okay. I guess I got to go through that. Go through this way. No sign of the villa. It should be beyond the aqueduct. Where are they? I ain't seen them. Wait, what does this say? E. Okay. Uh. Oh, I got I got to move it over to here. I see what I got to do. I know what I got to do. I understand. I'm putting together the pieces. Wait. What? Okay. That's what I thought. That's why I went and thought, "What? What is that smell?" Was it pineapples? It turns out it's dead bodies. House. I don't understand why he hasn't. Let me guess. It's more Holy [ __ ] It's the clan. It's the clan. Let's go. Don't worry, that [ __ ] is none of your concern. What have you done with her? All shall be think you can beat me. You can't. Stupid ass little [ __ ] Oh. Oh. Oh. You want You want a little bit more of that? Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. [ __ ] you. shall Clan wars. Everybody got crucified. You know why? Actually, I was going to say something, but I'm not going I'm not going to say that. I'm actually not going to say that. In the villa. Okay, we got to go inside. We have to fight three of them. Three grand wizards. Flames shall burn away. Such decadence. Ends today. Just stop dodging, bro. LIKE Stupid [ __ ] I have to take on the clan. Please just die. him. Got him. I was at one health. I was at one health. I had to be 100% focused. All right. Now, let's move up. Where is she? It's ma'am. That's right. What are these? Oh, let me loot these two. We got some grapes and [ __ ] over here. Now we got full health. Let me check over here again. Better haircut than yours. I haven't had a haircut since 2019. That's really the truth. Women at arms. I'm not eating until I get to speak with you. Pig brothers. Oh, it's the girl. Brothers to arms. Oh no, I have to rescue her from the KKK. Come here. Shall repent. We have been found unworthy. I have to stay focused. That's right. That's right. That's what you get for being the clan. Nope. Nope. That's right. Master at dodging. Let him repel. THINK YOU can beat me? the end of days is not Grand Wizard. More like grand [ __ ] ass Oh. Oh. What's wrong? What's wrong? Damn. Damn. He hit me twice. That's bad. Another one. NOPE. Anybody else? I found you. I didn't think so. Let me loot that. Okay, I can't. where do I go through the door or some I go over here or some [ __ ] I go over there or some [ __ ] Oh, I go over here or some [ __ ] I get it. I get it. Okay. All right. Let's go. I'm over. I'm over. It's like a Roman area. This search everywhere. Go search the gardens. Hopefully there aren't more NPCs that I have to kill. It's just I had to How? I had to fight. I'll come save you. All will be well now. I am the champion. I am the hero. When the Briganti took you, I feared the worst. I saved this. I managed to escape them. No need to fall foul of these zealots. Is there a key to these locks? Their leader has the only key. But I can't leave. Not yet. Why? I might still convince him. Convince him to do what? I will find something to break you out of your fetters. You're not listening to me, Ayata. I can't leave yet. You cannot break these chains. But I I must get you out of here. Tonight. Help me to escape tonight. I'm not the only prisoner. It's all or none. Do you understand? I have to save. The flag will take me to an abandoned town west of here where they'll gather all their prisoners. Find me there. At night, it will be easier to flee. Together, we can free everyone. You and I. How? It is too dangerous. What if I ask? Quickly, before you're caught, take the path into the forest to the west. Find me tonight. Trust me. She looks like one of those sex dolls as they ask. Like her her mouth is like that. You know, like those like uh those things they show them on like [ __ ] Twitter and [ __ ] Like the way her face is. Y'all see what I'm saying, right? Yeah. Okay, I'm going to stop. I'm going to just stop. Um Yeah. Can't turn back now. She can't turn back. so far. Um, what do I think? Thank you. What do you mean thank you? Um, so what I think about the game, I think it's garbage. I think it sucks. It's got nothing to do with the story. It's just like every every level is the same thing. You run for a period of time and then you go into different vignette combat episodes with the same two enemies and you use the same attack pattern on every single one of them. the first boss that you fight, you're not really prepared to fight a boss like that at all until like you pretty much figure out that you can just I frame dodge through every attack. And for some reason, I frame doesn't consern a dodge doesn't consume stamina, but a block does. It doesn't even make any sense. And so if I was going to give a rating to the game, I would rate this game like a uh I'd say it's like a between a two and a three. Like I would say it's a two and a three. It it's I mean the graphics are I've seen this these graphics in every single other video game that's been Unreal 5, but I guess it could be worse. So I guess I give a one point for graphics. So at least it looks okay. And then besides that actually yeah that's one point. Okay. So it's like and then one is just does the game play like can I play the game? Am I able to play the game? And the answer to that is yes. I can play the game technically. So that's the that's the second point. So we're at a two. I'll be right back. I'll think more about whether we can go all the way up to a three or not. I'm feeling kind of generous. two. All right, it gave him the two. It's a two. It's worse than Concord. Actually, I never played Concord. It's worse than High Guard. And I say this as like I say is bad. I'm not like just talking about like, oh, it's like a woke game or Like the gameplay and the combat sucks. It just sucks. That's the main problem. It was hard to watch. I know. I wanted you to be unhappy. That's why I played it. I wanted to make you mad. Hopefully it worked. But yeah, I mean all this stuff, like the way the game looks, like this is your typical Unreal 5 slop game. I think Unreal 5 looks really good visually from like a fidelity standpoint, but these are probably just reused assets off the store. And if they made these assets themselves, I mean, I guess these are like okay. Yeah, it's just kind of mediocre. The writing makes me cringe. It wasn't very good. You're a third person I've watched. Quit the game at this level. Yeah, like this. Your princess is in another castle. [ __ ] I mean, to be fair, I was going to quit at 9:00 so I could get food, right? So, like, I kind of plan that out. But, uh, yeah, that's really what my opinions are on it. All right, guys. I I I I'll be back on tomorrow. I'll see you guys then. Hopefully, tomorrow will be first Rumple stream today, too. So, uh, till next time, boys. Peace. Sep.