Lord of the Rings is DONE..

On Christmas Day in the year 2000, 2000, sorry, 2001, 2002, and 2003, I with my parents went to see Lord of the Rings in movie theaters on Christmas Day. War of the Rings is my favorite series of all time by far. Nothing else is even remotely close. And now, you know, Rings of Power wasn't enough. You know, they hadn't they haven't they haven't humiliated us enough. They haven't done enough race swaps. They haven't done enough uh, you know, like [ __ ] narrative shifts. Now, Steven Cobear is going to be writing the new Lord of the Rings, who Steven Coar is a huge fan of Lord of the Rings. If there's anything that Steven Cobar could theoretically do correctly, it would be Lord of the Rings. But man, he sure hasn't done a lot correctly recently, hasn't he? They say that those who forget their history are doomed to repeat it. And looking at how Hollywood has treated The Lord of the Rings over the past couple of decades, I can't help but think there's a grain of truth in that. Just like Star Wars before it, it all began with the classic original trilogy born from a sublime blend of inspired writing, technical skill, and timeless themes of heroism and adventure, followed by an overblown and underwhelming trilogy of prequels made by the same people, just older and lamer now that failed to recapture the magic of the originals. And finally, I will never forget I will never forget my mom and I would watch Lord of the Rings together. We probably My mom and I watch Lord of the Rings together. I'm not even kidding you guys. probably 300 times like one of the movies most of the time the first one and I remember her at the movie theater for the Hobbit she was like this and it was like during like the it was like the barrel scene and she's like this she just crashed out decades later With moneyhungry studios desperate to squeeze a bit more money out of old IPs before the actors get too old or die, we come at last to the end game. Lord of the Rings, Make It City. We already saw it with Rings of Power, Amazon's cringy attempt to compensate for a lack of artistic merit and creative ability with embarrassing amounts of money. And let's be honest, you don't need me to tell you what a [ __ ] train wreck that turned out to be. It's great for us content creators, though. It is. But even Stranger Things are a foot at Warner Brothers, arguably the dumbest studio in Hollywood with a massive catalog of IPs that they somehow managed to funnel time and time again. Isn't it crazy that they did that back in the early 2000s? Like the the the fact that it still looks good even now. That's just insane. Like even if you freeze it, like it still looks good. Time again. First up was The War of the Raheeim. Remember that? I didn't watch that because I thought that I found out there was a girl as the main character. I said, "Really?" I mean, really? Me neither. An animated movie that was charted out as quickly as possible so that Warner could retain the film rights to the franchise, which probably explains why more than 50 different animation studios were pulled in to get it finished in time and why it looks janky as [ __ ] It was buil as the story of legendary warrior Helm Hammerhand in his last stand at the fortress of Helm's Deep, but really it was all just a bait and switch to focus on his daughter, Hera, a character. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it that gets mentioned in like one sentence of the original appendices and was so unimportant that Tolken didn't even bother giving her a name. And this guy names [ __ ] everything. And of course, she turns out to be the usual generic invincible girl boss who beats everyone and wins at everything because of course I love the fact that I was to I totally stereotype the show. I was completely biased and I was completely right. Modern writing, but it's okay because nobody [ __ ] watched the movie anyway and it was a massive flop. Then came the baffling announcement of the hunt for Gollum, a prequel about Aragorn's quest to track down and capture Gollum sometime after Bilbo took the ring from him. A tiny fragment of the original book where everyone knows the outcome already that was summarized in like two paragraphs at the Council of Elrons. Like why? Who the [ __ ] even asked for this? How do you expect the original actors to repraise their roles when they're all 20 years older now? Why is Exactly. Yeah, it's weird. Like I I even felt that way about uh Better Call Saul. It like it's just weird. He right circus directing it. I mean I've seen his body of work as a director and it's not impressive. When I think about all the incredible side stories, Tim 2001, bro. 2001, insane, crazy, generational side stories, tales of forgotten heroism, tragic love, and bitter betrayal that you could tell in the Lord of the Rings universe. Why go for something as goofy and pointless as this? Anyway, I've dodged it long enough. Let's get this over with, shall we? The barcode, was it? No. Just like McCoy here, it's time to face my deepest pain. Last night, Peter Jackson took to the internet to announce yet another Lord of the Rings film project that nobody asked for or wanted. And this is when [ __ ] truly got real. Oh, actually, why don't I get somebody else to to explain it because we've got a very special partner that we're working with and you can see for yourself. Hang on. There we go. Hello. Hi, Peter. Oh, man. Oh, god. Oh, man. When did he [ __ ] Why in the name of Sauron's molten ars pipe would you bring in this tragically unfunny propaganda spewing clown to write your multi-million dollar Lord of the Rings movie a man whose illustrious screenwriting credits include such gems as Strangers with Candy and uh why are we bringing talk show hosts in to write our movies now? Like is Oprah Winfrey going to write the next Star Wars movie? How about we I mean he knows a lot about Tolken. I think it's fine. Like if the thing is that I just worry that it's going to be like I don't know if it's going to be gay, right? But like it's it's going to suck. I think it's going to suck. I do. I I think Steven Colbear lost the juice. He did. I think he's lost the juice. He used to have it. He used to be that guy. I don't know if he's that guy anymore. get Jimmy Kimmel in to do the next Jurassic Park. Actually, that would probably be an improvement at this point, to be honest. Now, in fairness to old Steven here, he is a big Lord of the Rings nerd. Although, [ __ ] knows what a guy like him sees in Tolken's pro-western anti- athoritarian story of friendship, loyalty, honor, masculine heroism, and clearly defined morality. But there's a big old difference between knowing the lore of a fictional world and actually writing a good story with it. Just ask Ryan Johnson. Then there's his politics of which there are many. Like remember when Peter Jackson famously said we we didn't want to put any of our own certainly in terms of the thematic material. We didn't want to put any of our own baggage. I mean we had no interest in Exactly. Because there's a reason why the person that probably got paid the most money for this movie is a guy that's dead that just wrote the book. Like that's what Exactly, bro. Like that's See, thank God. Yes. our messages into this movie. But we thought that we should honor Tolken by putting his messages into it. Exactly. Yeah. I wouldn't expect the same attitude from Steven Colbear, a man so utterly consumed by his hatred of the orange man that he drove away his own audience and nuked his talk show. Jesus, this guy almost makes Mark Hamill look normal. The problem is people like that can literally never let go of their political hang-ups. It's I I can't guarantee you, but like I find that there's a very high probability that it's going to suck because of that possible because it becomes bound up in the very core of who they are. It seeps into everything they say and do. And if he's allowed to write a script for Lord of the Rings, well, I think you can imagine who Sauron is going to become a clum. We're going to make Mordor great again. is the allegory for. Speaking of which, let us review the outline of this epic saga in the making, shall we? As per the report from Deadline News, The Lord of the Rings: Shadow of the Past is set 14 years after the passing of Frodo. Sam, Mary, and Pippen set out to retrace the first steps of their adventure. Meanwhile, Sam's daughter Eleanor has discovered a long bur. I think that it secret and is determined to uncover why the War of the Ring was very nearly lost before it even began. Tell you what, right? I'll give you three guesses about who the real protagonist of this movie turns out to be. And here's a little hint to get you started. It's not going to be Sam, Mary, or Pippen. What a surprise. Girls get it done. You know, it's so [ __ ] funny when life literally becomes the meme. When you can straight up predict exactly what's going to happen from like 10 nautical miles away and it still does. Like, if I was to predict what Hollywood writers would do if they were asked to write a sequel to Lord of the Rings, it would basically be this. Defrost the original cast and have them come back. Playing older, pussified versions of their characters who learn the true meaning of adventure from a younger, more diverse, more female replacement that doesn't just outshine them in every way possible, but also makes them realize they were never really that heroic in the first place. Man, to make it shitty. In fact, screw it. We might as well race swap a legacy character like Aragorn while we're at it. I mean, I know Hollywood desperately wants to do it. It's a battle we're gonna fight and lose sooner or later, so we might as well get it over with now. I think that like again, the moment that I see a race swap that's done in a story, I just usually assume the story is going to be garbage. I do. And like I make exceptions for like S tier actors and like really well-known actors. Like I think they had Lawrence Fishborn play uh [ __ ] like uh what's his name? Regis in Witcher. I'm like, "Okay, that's fine." But like 99% of them ah bro like I don't know. Somebody says Gandalf the Black. Only does this crap remind me of the historical inch shitification of Star Wars but I also can't help thinking of James Gun's DCU by James Gunn. That guy has access to some of the greatest superhero characters in history. Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Nightwing. And instead of exploiting his biggest assets, he wastes huge amounts of time, money, and fan goodwill, churning out irrelevant vanity projects like Creature Commandos, Peacemaker, and Clayface. All of this is to say that I'd trust Steven Colbear to make a good Lord of the Rings movie about as much as I'd trust movie Bob with my birthday cake. And the sad realization here is this shit's never going to stop, is it? For a long time, it really felt like Hollywood. It eventually will. I think it's on its way out. I think it's obviously on its way out because the thing is that these shows that are coming out are failing. They are. They're massively failing. And then meanwhile, shows that don't do this kind of stuff are succeeding. And when I don't know, probably like it's not going to happen. It's not like there's going to be okay, we won. We won. There's more black people in movies anymore. That's not what's going to happen, right? But I think that there is going to be a slow recession of this stuff. And I think it's already happening to begin with. It is because like the shows fundamentally just aren't making money. They're not making money. That's it. Smart enough or just scared enough not to mess with Lord of the Rings and just appreciate a job well done. That time, however, has long since passed. And I can't help thinking that Lord of the Rings is rapidly becoming the new Star Wars. Just another convenient IP to be stripmined until there's nothing left. And the more crap like this that gets churned out, the more it slowly tarnishes the legacy of Tolken's masterpiece. We'll always have the original Lord of the Rings trilogy, well until they remake it for modern audiences. But the time I won't care. I won't give a [ __ ] Like the thing is that I've always looked at like I even saw Shadow of Mordor this way. I looked at it as fanfiction. Like it's just elaborate fanfiction. Same as Rings of Power. It's not the real stuff. It doesn't really matter. It's like, you know, like you can't go on Deviant Art and then get mad that they have like a picture of Sonic the Hedgehog driving around in a car. Like, who gives a [ __ ] Doesn't matter. But at the same time, uh, you know, I wish we had good stuff, too. I do. Mortal Shadow Mortal was actually good, though. I know that. But I still viewed it as fanfiction. I I still did. When we could actually justice to Tolken's work has long since passed, and somehow I don't think Steven Colbear is going to bring it back. Anyway, that's all I've got for today. Go away. Now, I think that there is a 0% chance that they make a good Lord of the Rings show or adaptation in like the next 10 years. I think a 0% chance. I'm going to link you guys the video. Like I I do feel this way. Like I it's unfortunate, but it's just the way it is, right? That's just the way it is. He sounds so defeated. Well, Lord of the Rings is like most people like I not most people like many people view Lord of the Rings as like their favorite series ever. It feels like I mean this is like the favorite movies ever. I feel like Lord of the Rings is probably one of the most popular movies in all of like American culture. So I mean the fact that this is something that you know like they're not doing very well and like they've been [ __ ] up then I feel like it's a huge problem. It's sad.