i just need to talk

I have been feeling so weird as of late kind of like not myself overwhelmed do I even have any friends hello welcome to the new year 2023 can you believe it that's such a weird number I don't like it too much without flying cars and no depression today is the beginning of my eight week fitness journey I've never done this before I've gone to the gym very regularly before but I've never dedicated a specific amount of time to primarily focus on Fitness I'm very very excited I hope you guys are excited to join me I will be documenting some of my process I'm gonna go get measure today I think I might hold off on all the numbers until the very end so you can see the before and after I'm excited right now the plan is personal training sessions three times a week aside from that 10K steps per day hopefully totally fine to miss a day if I'm busy or if I need to rest but ideally I don't skip more than two days doing at least one or the other oh my God hey oh okay yeah and it's gone well it's cute while it lasted first day first session let's go 2023. this is gonna be my ass [Music] and obviously and yeah so let's start one more time every single session that you do should be recorded in these workouts even your steps I need proof say it again for the camera great session today listen you feel like a decent job we have room for improvement but I'm proud of what we did no matter what you do we'll take it hello can we talk okay we're gonna chat a bit I just have some things to get off my chest while I'm enjoying some matcha and this people cup I have been feeling so weird as of late kind of like not myself overwhelmed frustrated like my brain can't stop zooming and I think living alone it's really it's difficult because there's no one to pull you out of that not just that I do generally enjoy the positives of living alone but I think it's especially tough for two reasons for me as of late one I don't live near family like all my family's still in Canada and sometimes you're in a certain mood where you just need family and sometimes asking like your friends to hang out like I want to show up my best for them but I know if it was my mom I could just go lay beside her and not make a single sound and I know she will like shower on me as well and I know a lot of my friends would too but I feel way more guilty asking them or leaning on them it's not easy especially when they don't live close to you most of my friends live 30 45 minutes for me and in LA or streamer time like I know most people prefer to stay cozy not like have to make plans and go out and do all that so it's always easiest and most convenient to hang out with people closest to you and it's like my mind is going and the only person who can deal with it is me and I'm also and it's just I don't know how else to explain that I feel like I just sounded like xqc but if you get what I mean sometimes you need someone to like scoop you out of that Loop and yeah that kind of thing is just not easy to get when you live alone but obviously the upsides are you don't have anyone also dampening your mood ain't no one to save you but ain't no one to bring you down either I guess especially with the new year and I've been trying to focus on my health it just feels like I'm working on myself a lot and I think that process in and of itself is kind of lonely and when you're doing that and you live alone it's like double lonely actually I think that's what it is and it's gotten very overwhelming I don't know what I want my life to look like and saying that makes me want to cry for some reason I think I'm PMSing too so but also I have no one to blame like I could have kept streaming forever but I want to change things up like that's my own choice and so going through this transitional pain right now that is also my own choice I don't want to keep talking because I'm going to cry for no good reason like I'm not sad do you ever cry but you're not sad it's just like your body is expelling emotion through your eyes don't worry about me I'm fine yeah thank you guys for joining me on this multi-year ride and looking forward to whatever is next for me we'll see I installed the new glitter robot the cats are intrigued but neither of them has gone in and actually done their business yet it's not a it's not a cat are you just sitting in there that's foreign thank you during the set it spikes the hell up after after the check do you guys ever get in your head like legit one day you won't be hanging out with people and you'll be like do I even have any friends I have a feeling being on social media has a lot to do with it like seeing people do stuff constantly just makes you think am I doing enough with people when in reality I think if I wasn't influenced by anyone else's standards whatsoever like I'd be happy seeing people two or three times a week but I feel like this outside standard almost imposes a sentiment of loneliness when on my own I'm actually quite content so I hate that that's something that you almost have to like combat or fight and I was feeling that way today and then I ended up making plans or I didn't even make the plans but the plans came to me and I'm like wait no actually maybe I'm totally fine how many friends is enough friends is it okay if you just have one friend but you're happy do you need to see 10 different people on a weekly basis in order to have a good social life if you feel good about it that's good enough but it is so hard to feel good about anything when we have so many other people's expectations and lives thrown at us constantly okay I'm so sorry I feel like this whole Vlog is going to be me venting so instead let's go enjoy some food enjoy it vicariously through me that's cool this is the one part of Hot Pot I suck at I don't know how to make the sauce for my life I got you look at these people right there should be like this oh my God can I take a picture oh my god get me in there oh my God I work here hi you're so cute let's head back watermelon juice that is really good but I thought it would be like fake sugary watermelon this is so fresh that's really good it looks like hummus why are soup look like that I've been waiting for that egg fried rice okay okay that was really fun I think it's good to remember sometimes that feelings of loneliness can come about seemingly randomly or caused by very small things but they can also dissipate with very small things like a text conversation with someone a quick call a dinner and all of a sudden you're like oh wait I'm not actually lonely yeah and I'm very lucky I get to come home to this baby and my other baby he's not the best at looking at the camera but he is the best at being a little cutie is temperament is amazing too I'll like flip him upside down he'll be like okay let me know when you're done hello I was just watching back some of the footage for this Vlog where I was feeling like so sad and alone and lost and unsure about my future and it makes me laugh now because that was like four days ago and I was PMSing so hard but then I got my period and my hormones flipped a switch now I'm so happy I feel like happiness is all about perspective because now the way that I view it is like yes I am in a transitional exploratory phase of my life but that can also be so exciting like I'm figuring out what really fuels me what am I passionate about right now and I have the rest of my life to pursue different things I'm so lucky I got to hang out with a lot of people that I love eating me food and call my mom if those things aren't a recipe for happiness I don't know what it is foreign